As my eldest son moved to Japan to study, our family dynamics have changed significantly. As a single parent who has raised my three sons for 16 years, this transition has been overwhelming for all of us.
As I navigate this new chapter, I find myself grappling with mixed emotions. At times, I feel immense happiness for him, celebrating his bravery as he embarks on this incredible journey, a journey that many only dream of undertaking.
However, other times, I am burdened by guilt, questioning whether I made the right decision in allowing him to live alone in a foreign country. The worry of potential disaster clings to my thoughts, particularly in a place known for its earthquakes, a concern that weighs heavily on my heart.
Each time I see news reports about natural disasters, I am reminded of my son’s vulnerability and the distance that separates us.
Yet, I find solace in my son’s words: “When it is your time to die, it is your time, wherever you are.” Deep down, I agree with him, acknowledging that life is unpredictable, full of both beauty and unforeseen challenges.
Still, I cannot shake the guilt associated with not being able to fully support him financially. I often wonder if he would have made this move if our financial situation had been more stable, if circumstances had been different, perhaps we would have approached this transition with more ease.
Despite these feelings, my son reassures me that pursuing his dream of experiencing a new culture and meeting new people aligns with his desire to not regret missed opportunities.
He is stepping out of his comfort zone, which is ultimately a part of growing up, a process that I wholeheartedly want him to embrace. His passion and drive reinforce my belief that he will thrive in this new environment, although I sometimes wish I could hold his hand through it all.
However, it still takes time for me to process this new reality of not seeing and hearing his voice every day.
The sudden waves of emotion catch me off guard, leading me to shed tears in various corners of our home – in the kitchen while cooking, in the bathroom, and in the bedroom, each space reminding me of our shared moments and the laughter that echoes in those walls.
Each memory feels like a precious gem, reflecting our family’s love and bond.
I often visit places where my sons used to play, reminiscing about the memories forged during their childhood. The passage of time feels surreal, and I sometimes wish I could just hold him in my arms again.
Even while writing this, tears flow, highlighting the depth of my emotions and the profound sense of loss that accompanies this change. The innocence of their childhood feels like a distant memory, and I long to return to those simpler times, even if just for a moment.
I find myself searching for answers – is it the hormones at play, or am I feeling helpless because of circumstances I cannot control?
Yet, I recognize that there are certain situations that are beyond my power, especially since my son is nearing 20 years old and needs to experience life outside our home to prepare him for adulthood.
Life is often a delicate balance of letting go and holding on.
As days turn into weeks, reflections come flooding back to me. It’s ironic how my childhood trauma has resurfaced during this time, as though the emotional tapestry of my past is being unraveled.
As the eldest daughter, I took on responsibilities at a young age, always prioritizing the needs of my siblings before my own. This nurturing instinct has deeply shaped who I am today, propelling me to be both the caregiver and the one who protects.
Growing up, I often felt unseen and unheard, carrying the weight of emotional abandonment—an experience that casts a long shadow over my adult life. I battle the fear that the people I love will leave me, creating in me a reluctance to fully appreciate joy or connection.
I realize that I must confront these emotions instead of running away from them, acknowledging that my journey as a mother is also about addressing and healing my own past wounds. Acknowledging my feelings is an essential part of the healing process, a journey that requires both vulnerability and strength.
Should I express gratitude to my son for the awakening he has brought into my life? Indeed, I believe my sons have taught me invaluable lessons and played a fundamental role in shaping my personality—a personality that has evolved through every challenge and triumph.
I often reflect on how incredible it is that love can transform pain into purpose, allowing us to grow beyond our circumstances.
On the other hand, my son inspires me to keep pushing forward every single day, even when times are tough. Some days I feel as if I can conquer mountains, believing that everything is within reach despite the odds. The fire of hope ignited by his courage fuels my own, reminding me that we are resilient beings capable of enduring life’s trials.
Yet, there are days when simply getting out of bed feels like an insurmountable challenge. What remains constant is that I have fought battles for years, often smiling through struggles that others know nothing about because I want to be strong for my family.
I often feel like a warrior, fighting against my own fears while striving to create a joyful and supportive environment for my sons.
Recently, he sent me thoughtful gifts and a heartfelt letter, reminding me of the bond we share. Each word felt like a warm embrace, bridging the distance between us, and lifting my spirits.
I sometimes question whether I deserve to be his mother, given his kindness and thoughtfulness, always second-guessing the depth of my worthiness.
Still, I remind myself that I am ultimately grateful to have been chosen to guide him, to nurture him into the remarkable person he has become.
My beloved son, as you embark on this new journey across the ocean to a different country, remember to embrace the lessons you’ve learned and continue to be open to discovering more about yourself in this new environment.
Each experience will shape you, molding you into the person you are meant to be.
Take each day one step at a time; it can initially be overwhelming with new languages, diverse groups of people, and varied societal norms and expectations. Approach these challenges with curiosity, for every moment holds the potential for growth.
While I may not be able to carry you physically on this adventure, please know that you are forever in my heart. You have given me the incredible opportunity to be a mother, a chance to learn more about myself, including my strengths and weaknesses.
Through motherhood, I have unearthed childhood trauma that I had long buried and dismissed, making progress in healing many parts of it. This journey has allowed me to experience the joys of play that I missed during my own childhood and appreciate the small, precious moments of connection that make life truly beautiful.
I am immensely proud of who you are and applaud your courage in stepping into the unknown that awaits your discovery. We will eagerly await your return from the land of the rising sun, cherishing the stories and experiences you will bring back with you.
Each story will be a testament to your growth and an invitation to explore the rich tapestry of life that extends beyond our immediate surroundings.
Your journey is just beginning, and I look forward to hearing every detail, every triumph, and every challenge, as you create a life filled with adventure and purpose.
(Kintsugi)
In Japan, broken pottery is repaired with gold,
making the cracks a visible part of its beauty.
The break isn’t hidden. It’s honored.
Your past doesn’t define you.
But it can refine you.
You are not what broke.
You are what you choose to build from it.
Bellegonzaga-isla 
Leave a comment